Fixation
POSTED ON Friday, October 23, 2015 AT 12:56 AM \ leave a comment (0)

"Just telling Mao that I'm her one-and-only Mama and nothing/no one can tear us apart ever again."

There are some nights when I'm all alone at home with Mao and no amount of Netflix can cure the boredom. Thoughts start to flow. Soon it occupies my night and I'm filled with many whys and whats. There are many times like this when I just want to tell myself: "fuck that, who gives a shit." I just want to lose myself and live like I never had.

I used to dedicate a great deal of time committing to the notion that even if all turns into dust, I would still have a pair of arms to run into, to shield me from the rest of the world. It's difficult to realize that when it's time to part ways, it's equally difficult to accept Life and its mundanities. That's the tricky (and painful) part about loving someone.

Days go by and I start to miss the person I was before. No, not the person I became when I was in love. Life was so vibrant and I was filled with happiness that no stones nor bullets could tear down. The simplest thing could make me laugh uncontrollably and more often than not, I would laugh so hard I would fall and cry. I felt contented easily. I didn't need to go the extra mile just to make myself smile. I still miss being in full control of my own emotions but I know, someday I'll have that again. Perhaps by then I'll be thankful I'm a better version of my 16 year old self - a more matured woman who knows what and who matters to her, is responsible for the things and people around her and who has found what she has been looking for.

Someday, I'll come to my senses and see for myself the beauty of falling, picking myself up again and learning from my mistakes. I love the girl I was 4 years ago but sometimes, change isn't bad. It forces me to adapt in this twisted world and I'm starting to love and appreciate the new me.